Signs of Domestic Abuse

Many people do not immediately realize that what they are experiencing is abuse. Domestic abuse and relationship abuse can involve more than physical violence. It can also include emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse. This page outlines common warning signs and red flags of abuse so that people can better recognize unhealthy and dangerous relationship patterns.

Abuse can happen in romantic relationships, marriages, dating relationships, and family relationships. These lists are not all-inclusive. Other signs not listed here may also indicate abuse.

Reproductive abuse is covered in more detail on this page.

Signs of Physical Abuse

• Scratching, slapping, biting, pushing, or shoving
• Throwing objects, using weapons, or using other objects to cause bodily harm
• Kicking, choking or strangling, punching, or physically restraining the victim
• Force-feeding, denying food, or committing other acts of bodily harm

Choking or strangulation is especially serious. It can cause severe injury or death within minutes, often without visible marks, and it is one of the strongest warning signs that an abusive partner may become more dangerous. Anyone who has been choked or strangled should seek medical care, even if they feel fine.

Signs of Psychological Abuse

• Intimidation: intense stares, breaking the victim’s possessions, damaging property such as punching walls, slamming doors, or using rage to scare the victim into silence
• Gaslighting: lying about reality to intentionally cause the victim to question their memory, perception, or sanity. This may involve blaming the victim for abuse. Learn more in What Is Gaslighting.
• Shifting responsibility: projecting one’s personal problems onto the abuse victim or playing victim in order to guilt and control the true victim
• Silent treatment or abandonment: punishing the victim by refusing to speak to them or abandoning them in order to force compliance

Signs of Verbal Abuse

• Vocal tone or volume: yelling, aggressive tone, mocking tone, condescending tone, or refusing to speak to the victim
• Threatening language: swearing at the victim, criticizing, name-calling, personal attacks, or threatening to harm or leave the victim
• Degradation: telling the victim they are worthless, unlovable, or would be nothing without the abuser
• Manipulation: threatening self-harm or saying that if the victim loved the abuser, they would comply
• Accusations: repeatedly accusing the victim of things they have not done, such as infidelity, or blaming the victim for the abuser’s behaviour

Signs of Emotional Abuse

• Nitpicking: belittling the victim’s accomplishments or personality, mean-spirited teasing, or other ways of damaging confidence
• Isolating: separating the victim from family, friends, and community supports so the victim is under the abuser’s control
• Shaming or guilting: passive-aggressive reminders of shortcomings, public humiliation, or defamation
• Hostility or rejection: withholding love and creating a tense, rejecting atmosphere
• Unpredictability: emotional outbursts, mood swings, contradictions, or being charming with strangers while aggressive with the victim

Emotional and psychological abuse can be harder to recognize than physical harm, but its effects can be just as lasting. The psychological impact of abuse page explains how these patterns can affect mental health and how people recover.

Signs of Sexual Abuse

• Molestation: unwanted touching of intimate areas such as genitals or chest
• Exposure: showing genitals or pornography that a victim does not want to see
• Coercion: pressuring, threatening, or manipulating someone into unwanted sexual acts
• Rape: unwanted penetration of any orifice by any object or body part without consent
• Intoxication: forcing someone to ingest drugs or alcohol to increase compliance with abuse

Sexual assault within a marriage or relationship is still sexual assault. The sexual assault and what to do after page explains consent, medical care, and reporting options.

Signs of Financial Abuse

• Career restriction: preventing the victim from applying for jobs, pressuring them to quit, or limiting them to jobs that increase the abuser’s control
• Stealing: confiscating salary, gifts, inheritance, or other income either openly or secretly
• Limiting access: preventing or strongly restricting access to money the victim has earned, saved, or received
• Punishing spending: tracking and criticizing every purchase or requiring permission for even small purchases
• Asset control: keeping major assets, such as the family home, in the abuser’s name only
• Debt: borrowing money or making credit card charges without repayment, damaging the victim’s credit history

For practical steps to protect your money and documents, see this guide to protecting yourself from financial abuse from Steps to Justice.

Other Forms of Control

• Monitoring and tracking: checking your phone, demanding passwords, tracking your location, or following you. Learn more on the signs of stalking and technology abuse page.
• Appearance control: dictating what you wear, your hair, makeup, or weight
• Threats involving others: threatening to take the children, harm pets, or make false reports about you to police, child protection, or immigration authorities
• Spiritual or cultural abuse: using faith, culture, or community expectations to justify control, or stopping you from practising your faith
• Substance coercion: pressuring you to drink or use drugs, controlling your medication, or using your substance use against you

The Cycle of Abuse in Relationships

Abuse often follows a repeating pattern sometimes called the cycle of abuse. Recognizing this cycle can help people understand why abusive relationships can be so confusing and why leaving is often more complicated than outsiders assume.

• Phase 1. Tension building: anger builds with little provocation, leading to minor abuse and excuses. As tension increases, the victim may try to placate the abuser and may begin to assume guilt.
• Phase 2. Incident: the high point of violence or other abuse. This phase may be brief or may last longer. The abuser often minimizes the severity of what happened. The victim may seek help if the situation feels life-threatening or dangerous for children.
• Phase 3. Reconciliation: the abuser becomes loving, kind, and remorseful while fearing the victim may leave. Guilt, promises, and affection may be used to pull the victim back in.
• Phase 4. Calm: the victim may believe this phase reflects who the abuser “really” is and hope that change is possible. Some victims remain because of fear, damaged self-esteem, financial dependence, children, or social pressures.
• Cycle repeats: abuse often escalates as the pattern repeats and can become increasingly dangerous over time.

Not every abusive relationship follows this cycle. Some involve constant control with no clear calm phase, sometimes called coercive control. If you are thinking about leaving, or want to be prepared in case you need to, the abuse escape and safety planning page walks through practical steps.

Victims can include wives, husbands, intimate partners of any gender pairing, pregnant women, children, and elders.

Common Questions About Domestic Abuse

What are the most common warning signs of domestic abuse?

Common signs include a partner who controls money, who you see, or where you go; frequent put-downs or name-calling; jealousy and accusations; threats; damaging your belongings; pressuring you sexually; and physical harm such as pushing, hitting, or choking. Feeling afraid of your partner or constantly changing your behaviour to avoid their anger is an important sign in itself.

Can it be abuse if my partner has never hit me?

Yes. Emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, financial, and reproductive abuse can all happen without physical violence. These forms of abuse can be just as harmful, and they often appear before physical violence begins.

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of behaviour used to dominate a partner, such as monitoring their phone or location, isolating them from friends and family, controlling money, making rules about daily life, and using threats or humiliation. Its harm comes from the pattern as a whole, so each incident on its own can look minor.

What is gaslighting in a relationship?

Gaslighting is when someone repeatedly denies or distorts what happened so that you start to doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity. Over time it can leave a person feeling confused and dependent on the abuser’s version of events. Our article What Is Gaslighting explains it in more detail.

Why is choking or strangulation so dangerous?

Strangulation can cause serious injury or death within minutes, sometimes without leaving visible marks, and symptoms such as trouble breathing or swallowing can appear hours later. It is also one of the strongest warning signs that an abusive partner may become more dangerous. Anyone who has been choked or strangled should seek medical care, even if they feel fine.

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

People stay for many reasons, including fear of what the abuser will do, financial dependence, children, housing, love and hope that the partner will change, isolation, shame, and the confusion created by cycles of abuse and reconciliation. Leaving is often a process rather than a single event. Our escape and safety planning page covers how to prepare.

Can men be victims of domestic abuse?

Yes. People of any gender can experience abuse, in relationships of any gender pairing. Men may face extra barriers to reaching out, such as shame or fear of not being believed, but support services are available to them too.

Is it still abuse if it only happens when my partner is drunk or stressed?

Yes. Alcohol, drugs, and stress can make abuse worse, but they do not cause it, and they do not excuse it. Many people drink or feel stressed without hurting their partners. The person who chooses to abuse is responsible for that behaviour.

Is it sexual assault if my spouse forces or pressures me into sex?

Yes. Being married or in a relationship does not mean consent, and sexual assault of a spouse has been a crime in Canada since 1983. Our sexual assault page explains consent, medical care, and reporting options.

Is my abusive partner a narcissist?

You do not need to diagnose your partner to recognize abuse. Only a qualified professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, having a personality disorder does not make someone abusive, and many people who abuse have no diagnosis. What matters is the pattern of behaviour and its effect on your safety. Our article What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder explains the condition.

Who can I contact in BC if I am experiencing domestic abuse?

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. VictimLinkBC offers free, confidential support 24 hours a day by phone or text at 1-800-563-0808 and can connect you with transition houses, victim services, and safety planning. Our abuse resources page lists more options across Canada.

How can therapy help after domestic abuse?

Therapy can help you make sense of what happened, rebuild trust in your own perceptions, manage trauma symptoms, and set boundaries in future relationships. Pacific Maple Psych Centre offers trauma-informed individual therapy in Vancouver and virtually across BC. You can read more about the psychological impact of abuse and what recovery can look like.

Last reviewed: October 2026