How to Help Someone
Being Abused

If you are worried that a friend, family member, coworker, or neighbour is being abused, you may not know whether to say anything, fear making things worse, or feel frustrated that they have not left. The most helpful things you can do are to stay connected, listen without judgment, and support their choices while keeping safety at the centre. This page explains signs to watch for and how to help.

If you are worried about a child, the steps are different, because in BC you have a legal duty to report. See the signs of child abuse page. For an older adult, see the signs of elder abuse page.

Signs Someone May Be Experiencing Abuse

• Seems anxious, nervous, or eager to please around a partner or family member
• Gets frequent calls or texts demanding to know where they are and who they are with
• Describes their partner as jealous, possessive, or quick to anger
• Has injuries with vague or changing explanations, or wears clothing that may hide marks
• Often cancels plans, misses work or school, or has pulled away from friends and family
• Has little access to money, a car, or their own phone
• Is put down or humiliated in front of others
• Seems less confident, more withdrawn, or more anxious or depressed than before
• Makes excuses for their partner’s behaviour or blames themselves
• Has children who seem anxious, withdrawn, or fearful

These signs do not prove abuse, and many people hide abuse well. The signs of domestic abuse page describes the different forms it can take, including emotional and financial abuse that leave no visible marks.

How to Start the Conversation

• Choose a private moment when the other person is not nearby and cannot see their messages.
• Lead with care and specifics, for example: “I’ve noticed you seem on edge lately, and I’m worried about you.”
• Ask open questions and let them set the pace. They may not be ready to talk the first time.
• Listen, and believe what they tell you.
• Tell them it is not their fault and they do not deserve to be treated this way.
• Let them know you are there whenever they want to talk, even if they are not ready now.

What to Avoid

• Criticizing the abuser. It can push the person to defend them and stop confiding in you.
• Ultimatums or pressure to leave. The time around leaving is often the most dangerous, and the decision has to be theirs.
• Confronting the abuser or posting about it online. This can increase the danger for them and for you.
• Asking “why don’t you just leave?” People stay for many reasons, including fear, money, children, housing, immigration worries, and love.
• Suggesting couples counselling. Joint sessions can be unsafe when one partner is abusive. Individual support is safer.
• Sharing what they told you without their permission, unless someone is in immediate danger or a child is at risk.

Practical Ways to Help

• Offer a safe place to keep copies of documents, spare keys, cash, or an emergency bag.
• Agree on a code word or signal that means “call 911” or “come and get me.”
• Offer to go with them to appointments, victim services, a lawyer, or a transition house.
• Let them use your phone or computer to look up information the abuser cannot see.
• Offer help with childcare, pets, transport, or a place to stay, if that is safe for you.
• Share VictimLinkBC (1-800-563-0808) and the escape and safety planning page.
• Write down the dates and details of anything you witness, in case they want it later.

If you see or hear violence happening, call 911. You do not need the person’s permission to call when someone is in immediate danger.

Supporting Them Over Time

Many people leave and return several times before leaving for good. This can be painful to watch, but your steady presence matters. Staying connected keeps them from being completely isolated, which is often what an abuser wants. After leaving, they may still feel grief, fear, or a strong pull back to the person who hurt them, which is explained in our article on trauma bonds.

Supporting someone through abuse can be draining and frightening. It is okay to set limits, look after your own wellbeing, and get support for yourself.

Common Questions About Helping Someone Being Abused

How do I know if my friend is being abused?

You may notice fear of their partner, growing isolation, constant checking in, unexplained injuries, or a big drop in confidence. No single sign proves abuse. The most helpful step is to ask gently in private and listen.

What should I say to someone who is being abused?

Tell them you are worried, you believe them, it is not their fault, and you are there for them. Avoid judging them, criticizing the abuser, or telling them what to do.

Should I tell a friend in an abusive relationship to leave?

It is better not to pressure them. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, and they know their own risks best. Support their choices and help them plan for safety, whatever they decide. The escape and safety planning page can help.

Should I confront someone I think is abusing my friend?

No. Confronting the abuser can increase the danger for the person you are trying to help, and for you. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Can I report abuse of an adult without their permission?

Adults generally decide for themselves whether to report, unless someone is in immediate danger, in which case you can call 911. Children are different: in BC you must report if you believe a child may be at risk. For an older adult who cannot seek help on their own, see the signs of elder abuse page.

What if my friend goes back to their abusive partner?

This is very common. Stay connected without judgment so they know they can come to you again. Each attempt to leave can build knowledge, confidence, and resources for the next one.

How can I help a man who is being abused by his partner?

Offer the same belief and support you would offer anyone. Men can be abused in relationships of any gender pairing, and may feel extra shame or fear of not being believed. VictimLinkBC supports people of all genders.

Where can I get support for myself while helping someone who is being abused?

Helping someone through abuse can be stressful. You can call VictimLinkBC for information, and talking with a therapist can help you manage worry and set healthy limits. Pacific Maple Psych Centre offers individual therapy in Vancouver and virtually across BC.

Last reviewed: October 2026